I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
