I'm gonna have a badass scar
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
