He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
