You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Swine flu is the new snow day.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
The air was thick with penises
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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