i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
