GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
