Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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