Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
