You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
