you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
