Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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