take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
