I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
