I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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