fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
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