that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
