The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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