Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
