I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
God I need to hump something, right now.
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