I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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