his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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