Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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