Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
