dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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