I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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