last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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