Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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