last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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