Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
