Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize