things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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