Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
