i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It's rum buckets o'clock
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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