I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize