I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
