She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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