dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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