planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
