But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
