He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
