Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
