So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
PANTIES FOUND
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