Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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