Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
