he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
