i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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