ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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