did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
