Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Randomize
