my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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