he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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