I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
