Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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