I hate all girls vehemently.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
