Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
