I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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