I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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