are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
