He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
