my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
