if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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