you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
