I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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